THE HURT

They say nothing is more painful than a heartbreak from those we love.

‘Bryan, why did you cheat on me!!’ leya exclaimed hoping that she could find answers within herself. In the midst of it all, she ties her long black hair, finds refuge on her bed and writes Bryan a message with hope of receiving a genuine response from him.

PART 1 : SHE SAID

I have pretended to go mad in order to tell you the things I need to. I call it art. Because art is the word we give to our feelings made public. And art doesn’t worry anyone.”- Iain S. Thomas

THE ICE QUEEN IS DETHRONED

“What cannot be said will be wept.” – Sappho

For the first time in months, I was heartbroken. My ice walls shattered. I helplessly watched as the pieces fell to the ground when she said, “Yeah he’s now dating.” For the first time in months, I was fragile.

I remembered the power you had to harm and disarm me. For the first time in months, I was insecure.

My heart felt small without the ice walls. For the first time in months… I realized that I still love you.

Bryan, how could you move on so fast?

REMEMBER?
“Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” – J.S Park

We were both freshman in university when we first met. Everyone around me seemed to have found friends already. Thousands of people and not one familiar soul insight. Then I saw you. You stood leaning against a wall. You wore a gray T shirt, khaki pants and cooler versions of Dr Martens for shoes. I walked over to say hi to your friend: my classmate, but really it was just a way for me to get a closer look. You didn’t talk much and the dark shades you wore made it harder for me to map out your emotions. You were standoffish in fact. I walked away dissatisfied.

Then second time we met, you were standing in a car park. I walked over to say hi and you had forgotten my name, go figure. “LEY-AAA,” I said with emphasis. You laughed, it was the first time I saw you smile. I guess I didn’t need your eyes to map out your emotions. I asked if you were going anywhere and you said no. I said my goodbyes and walked away. Then, I turned around asked if you wanted to go grab some lunch. You agreed. That’s the day I knew I was going to love you… And I have loved you. I still love you. Did you ever love me?

You were heartbroken, fragile and insecure. Over the course of months you pored your pain into my hands and in exchange I gave you my life. I was all about you! You were the sun and I was Pluto, my life orbited around you yet you never gave me much light!

Dear Bryan, what did you ever do for me and what could she possibly do for you? These words can’t even describe how many slits I saved your wrist from! Perhaps it’s been so long and you’ve forgotten me but darling ask your pillows and sheets,

I bet they remember my Christian Dior scent… Don’t you remember those nights? I go on cloud 9 thinking about how you used to hold me. I can picture that perfect moment when you’d wrap me up in your arms and give me 4 kisses: on my forehead, right cheek, left cheek, chin and finally you’d rub your nose on mine. I really liked that, I hope you could tell. Better yet let’s talk about how you really used to hold me; you seated down, me standing up facing you. Your head would directly face my chest and your hands would explore places they shouldn’t with no care about who or what would interfere… But I wanted them to be there, it was evident by the obscenities I’d whisper in your ear.

Bryan, how could you forget me and my lace attires?

I LOST YOU
“This is the last piece of artwork I make about you.” – Anonymous

When we broke up, I always thought that the aether would find a way to bring us back together but I guess that only works for hearts that inclined to each other.

I wanted to be the one you’d see the world with. We had bucket full of lists about the things we had to do like going on our first camping trip or eating the most expensive cheese…We pinky promised each other forever but I guess nowadays forever doesn’t last too long.

Nevertheless, I am grateful for this finite forever.

Bryan, I hope you think of me.

PART 2
Some words actually can’t be expressed. They can just be felt by a true lover only!
Leya, I do think about you from time to time. I find myself thinking about your smile, I still love the little things you did, especially hearing you laugh and seeing your nose wrinkle the same way mine does too, but I never loved you. I had feelings for you, yes I did but it wasn’t love.
When you came into my life I was battling major depression and the thought of my previous girlfriend was haunting me in and out, hour after hour, day and night. I loved her and she had loved me. Her love was engraved on my heart and moving on from her wasn’t an option for me. You found me at my lowest point. I was disappointed and discouraged to get back on my feet, I was assured of no cure for my depression, and I believed I was unable to construct a future for myself. I tried to take my own life not once but on several occasions and it were you that continued to save me. Leya, if I hurt you I did not intend to do so but rather your own expectations hurt you, hence I hurt you due to your high expectations of me falling in love with you. Am not saying I never cared but I made it clear I was getting over a two-year breakup and a whole lot of shit that life had dumped on me.
“You have a huge capacity of love-for yourself, and for others” – Nadira Shirloma

That quote clearly defines you and that’s exactly what you taught me about love. I will not apologies for the times when I told you I’d fly three thousand miles to see you. The times when I explored your body, touching every part and touring it to my satisfaction. I miss the tight hugs that made me feel safe and connected to you but I wasn’t yours and you weren’t mine. I simply needed someone to drown in and that someone was you.
“Daughter,
I hope you never have to crawl on your good bones to beg bad love to stay” – Upile Chisala
Am bold enough to tell you, my love wasn’t good enough for you. You deserved the kind that loved you more, cared and nurtured you, worshipped and treasured you more. I want you to know that I hold you in high esteem and wish you nothing but the best that life has to offer- I care.

THE END
You can access Leya Muleyas blog➡ HER

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